The Big Announcement

For the last several months, the blog has been eerily quiet.  Much of that time has been spent working on a project.  That project has now been completed and I am thrilled to announce the publication of my memoir, Half the Man I Used to Be: My Yearlong Journey to Stronger Faith and Better Health.  Many of you have followed my health concerns over the past eighteen months and this book recounts my struggle to overcome my declining health and my pursuit to live a healthier, and consequently happier, life.   I have faced the challenges of being severely overweight and I have overcome those challenges by placing them in the hands of a loving, caring Father.  If you face the same challenges, don’t be afraid and don’t give in to defeat.  You can overcome.  If was able to do this, then surely anybody can.  And the best part is that you don’t have to do it alone.  Let go and let God.  I used to think those were just words to make people feel better, but they can be so much more if you let them.  

 For now, the book is only available on the publisher’s website, iUniverse.  If anyone is interested in a copy, you can access the book in paperback, hardcover, or ebook at the following website: http://bookstore.iuniverse.com/Products/SKU-000648807/Half-the-Man-I-Used-to-Be.aspx.  The book should be available at places like Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other retailers within the next 4-6 weeks.  As a preview, I have included an excerpt from the first chapter on the blog.  Hope you enjoy and please share with all your friends and family.    

Chapter 1

The Man-Mogram

Randy Travis sang in the classic country song “1982,” “They say hindsight’s 20/20 but I’m nearly going blind.”  When you think about it, that makes a lot of sense.  Looking back on things, we can see them clearly but often if it is unpleasant, we choose to still not see it for what it is.  Most of us have been through something we would rather not look back on with the clarity that time and distance give us so we choose to remember it the way that makes us feel the most comfortable.  This, of course, is usually not a great idea.

            My eye-opener came in the spring of 2012, and looking back, I should have recognized it for that instead of treating it as no big deal.  I am usually pretty good at dealing with things and accepting difficulties that life throws my way.  But we all have times when, in retrospect, we would have done things differently.  I believe the Lord was trying to tell me something that spring, but I chose to look at it blindly instead of realistically, and several months later my whole world almost came crashing down on me.  It went a little something like this.

            One day when I was coming home from educating the youth at the juvenile detention facility where I teach, I noticed the seatbelt was rubbing across my right nipple and it was rather painful.  I thought maybe one of my three rambunctious kids had hit me there by accident and left a bruise in that sensitive area.  When I got home and started feeling around, I discovered a knot right under the skin by the nipple.  Needless to say, I freaked out.  The knot wasn’t excruciating but it was painful and uncomfortable to touch.  So I did what any guy who loves and respects his wife utterly and completely would do: I didn’t tell her about it for nearly a month.  I figured it would clear up sooner or later.

            Naturally, it didn’t happen that way and eventually I broke down and told my wife, Kristy, what was happening.  By this time I was really starting to get paranoid.  There was so much in the news about men getting breast cancer and I was greatly concerned.  I did not have a doctor at the time; the one I had been seeing was no longer in private practice.  Kristy called her doctor to get me an appointment … but they could not see me until October.  She went ahead and made the appointment so I could get in with her doctor, but my lumpy nipple hurt, and I wasn’t going to wait almost six months to get it checked out.  That’s when things began to get weird.

            Kristy has a friend who is a gynecologist, and she called to ask his opinion about what I needed to do.  He told her, “Tell Brian to come by the office tomorrow, and I’ll check him out.  Tell him to tell the receptionist that he is here to see me, and that I know what it’s about.”  I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking the same thing: How can this NOT go wrong?  It had disaster written all over it.

            I showed up at his office the following day, and to say I was hesitant about stepping inside the doors would be an understatement akin to saying the Titanic had a slight mishap in the Atlantic Ocean.  I was completely and utterly freaked out and my mind was not put at ease when I entered the waiting room.  I looked around and there were at least half a dozen elderly ladies waiting patiently to be seen by the doctor.  I walked up to the receptionist and said, “I’m Brian Gross.  I’m here to see the doctor.  He knows what it’s about.”  She looked at me, clearly puzzled, but then said, “OK.”  I wondered how many other guys had come in and said the same thing.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long before the good doctor came to get me because one can only stare at a floor for so long. 

            Unfortunately, being ushered back to the exam room did nothing to allay the hurricane of nerves I had swirling in my stomach.  The doctor grabbed me by the elbow and almost started running down the hallway.  I had the impression he really didn’t want anyone to see him with me.  The whole time he was muttering something incomprehensible to himself before saying, “Come on.”  When he finally got me into an exam room, he decided it was not the right place, and we then went in search of another room and found one: a storage room/broom closet.  Actually, it had been an examination room at one time but was now the catch-all for things that weren’t currently being used.  Before rushing out of the room, he looked at me and said, “Take your shirt off.”    When he was in the hall, I overheard him tell a nurse, “There’s a man in this room.  Don’t let anyone else go in there.” 

            The wait seemed to last forever and it was pretty cold in the room.  It struck me as a little strange that he had instructed no one to come into the room, but it also helped to calm my nerves for a few minutes as I stared at myself in the large mirror that was directly across from the chair in which I was sitting.  There are many thoughts that rush through the mind of a nearly 400-pound, topless man as he sits in solitude, ogling himself in a large mirror.  One of those thoughts was, I’m glad he told the nurse to not let anyone come in here. 

            Of course, someone didn’t get the memo, and the look on the poor lady’s face when she walked into the supply room and saw me sitting there bare-chested was beyond compare.  I guarantee that a very large, half-naked man was the last thing she was expecting to see at work that day.  She didn’t know what to say and neither did I, so we just looked at each other for a few seconds, and then she mumbled something, grabbed what she was looking for and made a beeline for the door.  I was wishing I could do the same thing.  As she closed the door, I could hear her as she asked someone, “What is that man doing here?”  The nurse who epically failed to keep anyone out replied, “He’s here to see the doctor.  No one was supposed to go in there.”

            From that point on I was taking no chances.  I put my shirt back on while the storm in the pit of my stomach continued to rage.  Shortly thereafter the doctor came back in and looked at me with an odd expression.  He said, “I thought I told you to take your shirt off.”  Then he thought for a second and followed that up with, “Oh, yeah … the nurse.  OK, just pull your shirt up.”  He felt around my right breast for a few minutes, found the nodule, and asked some cursory questions.  Upon completing the examination, he said, “I’m pretty sure the lump isn’t serious.  Losing weight will probably take care of it.”  I couldn’t keep myself from thinking, I’ve dodged another bullet.  I was abruptly brought out of my reverie, however, when he went on to tell me, “But just to make sure I want to get that checked out at the imaging center.  Let’s go up to the front desk so we can get you an appointment for a mammogram.”

            My mind started racing, and I wasn’t so sure I heard him correctly.  He assured me it was only to confirm the lump was what he thought it was and not something significant.  He paraded me up to the receptionist I had spoken to earlier, and he said loud enough for the people in the building across the street to hear, “Call imaging and get this man scheduled for a mammogram.”  OK, so his volume was not quite that loud, but he was no longer acting as if this were some kind of clandestine mission, perhaps because the cover had been blown by the unsuspecting nurse. 

            As I was leaving the office, relief washed over me.  I was glad to be getting out of that bizarre situation, and I was hanging onto the fact that he was reasonably sure it was nothing serious.  I was a little freaked out by needing to have a mammogram, but the whole situation was beginning to get funnier.  Being the self-deprecating soul I am, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself, When a man has a mammogram, is the proper term for it a man-mogram?  The thought made me chuckle at the humiliation I had just subjected myself to and made me wonder what would be in store for me when I actually had my man-mogram.  

The Road Runner

It has been a few of months since I have updated my health situation and for that I am sorry.  That being said, the last few months have been phenomenal.  Since I last updated everyone in late March, I have lost another 40 pounds bringing my weight loss total over the past eight months to 103, surpassing the number the doctor suggested I lose.  I hope to be able to lose another 47 over the next four months.  I already am at my lowest weight in the past fifteen years and hope to get back to my early high school weight by the end of October. 

I returned to the doctor near the end of April and received great news.  The doctor was ecstatic over how well I was doing and how much weight I had lost.  She officially took me off of my diabetes medication because I had my sugar right where it needed to be.  Also, my liver functions were perfect.  I can't even begin to tell you how good that made me feel to hear those things.  But one of the coolest things she told me was that she could tell that I had been exercising because I now had the heart rate of a runner.  My check-up went so well that she told me not to come back for six months instead of the normal three.

Perhaps the coolest thing that has happened over the past three months is what I was able to do on May 4 and June 8.  These are the dates that I ran my first 5Ks.  I was pretty nervous about the first one.  It was the first time I ever ran outdoors.  I had done all my running on the treadmill so I had no idea of what to expect that morning.  I made a huge mistake in the first quarter mile and was not able to recover until almost halfway through the course.  The run started off with a small hill and I hit it at a dead run and by the time I came down the hill on the other side and made the turn onto the main road, I was gassed.  It took me probably 15 minutes after that to find my rhythm.  I finished the race with a time of 42:35 and to be honest, I was greatly disappointed.  I was hoping for something in the range of 38:00.  But my wonderful wife, Kristy, reminded me that what I had done was still a major accomplishment.  I had done something I had never been able to do in my life and that was something to be proud of.  So after sulking for  a few minutes, I was able to get my mind right and appreciate my accomplishment.

I took advantage of the five weeks between the two races to change my training methods.  I had intentions of doing more outdoor running but a busy schedule and weather did not allow that to happen so I had to do all of my training on the treadmill again.  The two things I tried to work on over this time was more elevation and not holding onto the handrails of the machine.  In the end, I think modifying my strategy paid dividends.  I began the race on June 8 with a much better pace and was able to run the entire race without stopping a single time to walk.  Granted, most of the running was the "lineman's shuffle" but it was still running and I finished the race in 41:19.  Again, I was disappointed with my results but after a minute of sulking, I received a gentle reminder from the Almighty that he was with me and that I had achieved something fantastic.  To say the least it was a calming experience and one that I really needed. 

As always, I know where to go to give thanks for the miracle that is happening in my life.  I would be nothing without Jesus in my life and even though there have been times I have neglected Him, I plan on giving Him the proper praise from now on.  Isaiah 40:31 tells us, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  That is exactly the way I felt on Saturday, June 8.  I had placed my hope in the Lord, I ran a complete race like I was on the wings of eagles, and I did not grow weary.  Until next time, I hope you all keep the faith and God bless!

Sometimes Not Reaching a Goal Does Not Mean You Failed

Yesterday was the day I had been waiting for since finding out that I had diabetes.  It was my first 3-month follow up to see how much progress I had made.  I had set my goal for weight loss at 50 lbs, a goal I was not sure was actually attainable.  But as of two weeks ago, I would have bet a large sum that there was no way I would fall short of that goal.  I was down 48 lbs at that time figured losing two more pounds in two weeks would be a lock.  Well, despite more exercise and better eating habits, I hit the proverbial wall and only lost one more pound over that time bringing my total to 49.  I was a little disappointed but I was able to recognize the fact that there are some times when just because you do not reach a goal, it does not mean that you failed.  I was 98% of the way to reaching my goal but the fact that I dropped nearly 50 lbs in three months is astounding and has done wonders for my body.  The proof of what the weight loss has done for me is in the sugar-free pudding.

This trip to the doctor was immensely better than the last few times I had been.  My doctor summed it up best when she said, "It always more enjoyable when you get good news from the doctor."  Amen to that, sister.  Now for the results.  My liver function has improved greatly.  There are two levels they measure and both need to be below 40.  I dropped one from the high 70s to the low 30s and the other from the 140 range to 47, nearly within acceptable range.  My sugar was 115, cut nearly in half, and as result I only have to take my Metformin pill once a day now instead of twice.  One of the best results, however, was my A1C hemoglobin test.  I don't know all the particulars of this test but it gives a 3-4 month measure of the sugar level in your hemoglobin.  If your number is over 6.5, you are diabetic.  In October, mine was 7.9.  Yesterday, it was 5.8, just 0.2 away from being back in the normal range.  The best news, though, was that she said when I lose 15 more pounds I can quit taking the Metformin altogether and see how my body responds to that.  Things are definitely looking better than they did three months ago.

As always, I know who has helped me achieve these results and I am entirely grateful for the presence of Jesus Christ in my life.  After giving my post holiday update a few weeks ago, a friend sent me a few tweets with Bible verses in them.  One was James 1:6 and the other was Matthew 7:7-11.  Both scriptures center on not being afraid to ask God for guidance.  It is hard to receive things if you do not ask for them.  When I came home from my doctor's visit on October 10, I did a lot of praying and asking and I have received.  But, I did not sit around and just expect things to happen without putting in the work myself.  The Lord was not going to magically wave a wand and allow me to instantly start dropping weight and lower my numbers while I ate whatever I wanted to stuff into my face.  That's not how it works.  He helped me to gain the strength and focus to put the work in to get the results I needed and even though I came up one pound shy of my goal, I have not failed.

As for goals, I have a new goal set for the 3-month follow up and one for the rest of the year.  By the time I go back to the doctor in late April, I want to be down another 25 lbs.  As for the year long goal, I want to walk 365 miles on the treadmill this year and burn 35,000 calories while doing so.  Over the past two weeks, I have been able to walk nearly 17 miles while burning 1800 calories.  To put that in perspective, if I achieve this goal, the distance I have walked on the treadmill would be equivalent to walking from by house in Russell, KY to my brother's house in Sweetwater, TN and then walk from his house back to Knoxville.  As for burning that many calories, it would be the equivalent of burning off two weeks' worth of meals.  While those goals seem lofty at first glance, I feel like there is no way that I will fall short of them.  Unlike with the weight loss, which you can only control to an extent, I can totally control how I often I exercise and for how long I do it.  Besides, Philippians 4:13 tells us, "I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength."  So, phase one of my temple restoration is nearly complete and I encourage any who read this to follow suit.  It is never too late to do good for yourself or God.  Until next time, thanks for reading and God bless!

Driven by Faith and Results

When I found out that I was diabetic and was asked to lose 100 lbs in the middle of October, one of the first thoughts that I had was, How am I going to lose any weight with the holidays coming up?  I mean, there was going to be Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinners, and Christmas.  The task seemed all but impossible in my mind.  But as I have been reminded with my new diagnoses, I know where to turn when things seem impossible.  Luke 1:37 tells us, “For nothing is impossible with God”.  And for that, I am indeed grateful.

I have, at least for the time being, developed a steely resolve that has allowed me to be extremely judicious about what I put into my body.  I am very focused on what I eat and what I choose not to eat.  I have been able to pick my battles and know when to walk away from something.  I have become so comfortable with my daily diet that I eat whatever I want, just not always when I want it or as much as I used to eat of it. 

A perfect example of this new lifestyle I am developing came just last weekend when we were visiting with my in-laws.  My mother-in-law fixed a nice lasagna which in the past was one of my favorite dishes.  I could easily put away three to four normal slices (I would usually just eat two ginormous slices, though) in one sitting; and then punish the leftovers over the next couple of days.  But, lasagna and pasta in general have become my arch-nemesis, especially if it is not wheat pasta.  The lasagna smelled heavenly but my stomach turned as I looked at it setting on the table.  At first, I was not going to eat any of it; I was just going to be content with my salad.  But, my wife, Kristy, talked me into just eating the meat and sauce and removing the noodles from it.  I was glad I did.  Eating the salad and filling of the lasagna with a slice of garlic bread more than satisfied me and I was able to avoid unnecessary carbohydrate intake.

Now, there are days when I see something like the lasagna and I really want to have it but I just have to say no.  I have learned how to be comfortable eating most foods that I used to gorge myself on, even potato chips, but I am not there yet with pasta.  And that’s ok.  The new me can take that in stride because I know I am not alone in dealing with this and in time I will be able to enjoy pasta again, if only on rare occasions. 

Because of the steely resolve I have developed, I have been able to get results much greater than I had anticipated.  I set my first weight loss goal at 50 lbs by the next time I go back to the doctor on January 18.  Well, two weeks shy of that date, my weight loss total stands at 48.  I just need to lose two more pounds in two weeks to attain my first goal.  (And through a minor Christmas miracle, I managed to lose 18 lbs from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day, without the benefit of exercise.  Unfortunately, the treadmill occupies the spot reserved for the family Christmas tree so my trusty conveyor has been folded up and shoved aside for the last six weeks.)  Remarkably, it has not been as difficult as I imagined it would be.

Again, through Him all things are possible and for that I am thankful.  I know it sounds cliché but great things can happen when you truly let go and let God instead of trying to do it on your own.  He has placed the right people in my life to help me get through this bump in the road and the results are keeping me motivated. 

Just a few days ago, I decided to try on some old clothes that were in my closet but had not been worn in a few years, or longer.  I was thrilled when some size 42 pants and shorts fit comfortably.  This made me want to try on a pair of shorts that I wore last summer that were size 48.  I was able to slide them on with out unbuttoning, unzipping, or squeezing to get into them.  I smiled as I thought to myself, I may need a new wardrobe this summer. 

All in all, I have decided to look as this whole ordeal as a blessing in disguise.  I lost 70 lbs (80 if you want to count the ten I dropped over spring break in 2009 when I was ravaged with the worst stomach virus I’ve ever encountered) nearly five years ago and was able to maintain for several months.  But I was not able to sustain my progress and began picking up old habits rapidly. 

In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 we are told, “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”  I was most certainly not treating my body as a temple; I was treating it more like a tenement.  And while I still have a ways to go in renovating it into that temple, I have fully grasped that I owe it to my wife and kids and those who care about me to treat my body as I should and to set an example for my kids as to what God wants us to be like physically.

I monitor my blood sugar, I take my medications, and I am judicious about what I allow myself to eat.  My Lord and Savior has helped narrow my focus and redirect the path of my life and the legacy I leave my kids.  I have complete faith that I will see this through.  I have faced serious challenges in other aspects in my life and I overcame them by becoming more disciplined and focusing on the bigger picture and that is what God has guided me to do this time, as well.  And as long as I have the big picture in my sights, I will not get in God’s way as he works his miracle with me.  Thanks to all read and pray for me and may God truly bless you.